5 Strategies for Overcoming Shame as a Parent

I routinely meet with people who are struggling with the pressures of raising kids. It’s a 24/7 job that can spark a roller coaster of emotions depending on the day: fear, resentment, joy, frustration….and that’s just before breakfast.

But one of the most common emotions that my therapy clients struggle with goes to the heart of how they see themselves as parents. And that feeling is shame.

WHAT IS SHAME?

The experience of shame is deeply personal and can make us question how we see ourselves in everyday life. 

As a parent, shame can lead to feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt around how we’re bringing up the next generation, particularly when certain parts don’t work out as we envisioned or planned. 

WHERE DOES SHAME COME FROM?

Moms and dads often have an image in their mind of what parenting ‘should’ look like. Aptly coined the ’myth of the perfect parent’, this romanticized outlook is usually formed before the babies are even born and the messiness (literally and figuratively) or parenting truly sets in.

This universal idea of what parenting ‘should’ look like can also give rise to a million smaller ‘shoulds’ that creep into our everyday thinking. For example: 

I should be breastfeeding my baby.

I should be balancing career and family.

I should always enjoy spending time with my kids.

I should never yell or show frustration.

The trouble with all these ’shoulds’ is that they put an unrealistic pressure on moms and dads to parent a certain way and can lead to feelings of defeat when things don’t work out. This disconnect between expectation and reality is where shame starts to set in. 

WHAT ELSE IS AT PLAY?

While the issue of shame around parenting isn’t anything new, certain aspects of modern life aren’t helping.

Social media, for example, has made it easier than ever to compare ourselves to one another and fill our minds with doubt about what we should and shouldn’t be doing as parents. Just last year, a survey of 500 Canadian women revealed that 82% of moms compare themselves to other moms online and 69% said they have “insecurities about motherhood” due to social media. 

SO, WHAT CAN BE DONE?

Despite the emotional challenges of parenting in today’s world, there are strategies that can help:

• Try and Understand Your Shame: It’s important to understand your shame and what triggers it before attempting to resolve it. When you recognize negative thoughts creeping in, ask yourself “do I struggle with this feeling often?”, “are these feelings sparked by certain situations or people?” Once you’ve isolated the underlying factors, it can be easier to make sense of the result: “this is a trigger for my shame because…”

 

• Aim to Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations: Remember that what you thought parenting would be and what it actually is are two very different things. Recognizing that, do your best to let go of the expectations you had before having kids and focus instead on being the best version of yourself right now.

 

• Practice Self-Care: As parents, we often put ourselves last but practicing self-kindness is very important when battling feelings of shame. Focusing on mindfulness and learning to talk through negative thoughts are just some of the ways you can channel more self-care into your life. There is also no shame in reaching out to trusted family members or friends if you need extra support.

 

• Rethink Social Media: Social media is a way of life for all of us, but it can be used for harm or good depending on how we consume it. Rather than comparing yourself to others online, try and see social media for what it is: a carefully curated snapshot in time that doesn’t necessarily tell the whole story.  

 

• Seek Support: If the pressures of parenting are becoming too much, consider speaking with a therapy professional who can provide an outlet for your feelings and constructive strategies to help you move forward.

RELATED LINKS: 
The Underexplored Issue of Postpartum Anxiety
Lowering the Stress of Summer Parenting
Surviving Motherhood: 5 Tips to Help Avoid Burnout

​