Coping with Toxic Family Members During the Holidays

‘Tis the season for family gatherings and while many people enjoy reconnecting with relatives at this time of year, others feel less than cheerful about it.

Why? 

There are several reasons someone may dread a holiday get together, but one that’s come up a lot in recent weeks is the unease some clients have expressed around spending time with a toxic family member. 

If you’re struggling with a similar worry in the lead up to the holidays, below are some self-care tips and strategies that may help.
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• To Go or Not to Go? The first thing you’ll have to decide is whether it’s healthy for you to attend a family gathering where a toxic family member will be in attendance.  People have a tendency to want to please others, however, your wellbeing has to come first. If the cons of attending outweigh the pros, it might be best to skip the festivities and revaluate again next year.

If you have decided to attend:

• Prepare Yourself: I advise clients to plan ahead whenever they’re going into a potentially triggering situation. For example, visualize the scene and the people in attendance. Who do you want to engage with and who do you want to avoid? When will you arrive and how long will you stay? Planning ahead will give you a sense of empowerment and control in a potentially tricky situation.

 

• Set Boundaries: This can refer to many things, from boundaries around your time to boundaries around your conversation. Setting clear and assertive expectations about what conditions will make you comfortable can go a very long way towards easing your mind with a toxic family member around.

 

• Adjust Your Outlook: You can’t always prevent people from engaging in toxic behaviour, but you can adjust your own reactions. Rather than feeding into their negativity by engaging it, separate yourself as an observer, rather than a participant. Doing so will liberate you from trying to change who they are.

 

• Remove Yourself if Necessary: Don’t feel the need to stick around if a toxic family member is ruining your time. Stay calm and look for an opportunity to remove yourself from the immediate situation: “Enjoy your evening, I’m going to see if cousin Jill needs help in the kitchen.”

 

• Debrief and Detox: After an emotionally draining situation, it’s important to hit the reset button. Seek out a trusted friend or family member to debrief with and who can help you let go of that toxic energy. 

This time of year is merry for some and challenging for others. If you’re concerned about encountering a toxic family member during the holidays, consider the above steps and reach out to a therapy professional if you need additional strategies or support.

Wishing you a peaceful and joyous holiday season.